Taking my own advice...

So, when your child has something bad happen, something unspeakable, it's hard to know what to do.  She wasn't hurt physically, so it's nothing like that.  But it's worse than a breakup with a boyfriend, much worse.  As a mom, I want her to hurry her process.  I want her to get away from the place of sadness as quickly as possible.  I want her to look on the bright side.  I want her to understand logically that years from now, this will all make sense.

So, yesterday morning I don't know what happened.  I woke up to a voice, a thought bubble, an epiphany that told me to let her follow the advice I keep giving myself.  I have to urge her to feel her pain.  She needs to move through it all.  Rage, anger, sadness, maybe even depression, but God I hope not.  Because if she doesn't move through it, if she tries to suppress it, it could drag her down for the rest of her life.

My challenge as a Mom will now be to accept and support her feelings, no matter how much I wish she didn't have to experience.

See - if you listen to yourself - the answer does come.

I am longing for the days from years past.  When a new pair of pink sparkly shoes, or a walk in the rain splashing in puddles, or an episode of Arthur followed by some cuddle time in bed would solve the day's problems.

Longing for the times when the problems, although I knew intuitively that they were not life changing, felt serious.  When as a single parent to an only child, I hadn't had any practice runs, but I still sensed that I was on the right path and things would be OK.  When I knew for certain that the problem we had today, no matter how inept I may have been at coming up with an approach or a solution, would not have long term impact.

Things today feel so important.  Always.  All the time.  My baby is almost 20.  She faces lots of big decisions.  And how she handles each one matters.  Really matters.  And the pink sparkly shoes no longer fix anything.

And then it crosses my mind.  This is how we let go, by not being able to fix it.  it is painful.  as a mama who felt that divorce was the beginning of the end of a good childhood, i  knew this day would come.  when the rubber would meet the road, when the truth would be revealed, when we would all learn that life is messy and uncomfortable and disappointing and seemingly unfair at times.  but i didn't think it would be now, today, like this.

Surrender

So much of what i find that I need to practice, again and again, is about control.  Having it, not having it, giving it up.  How do we learn to sit with pain, disappointment, anger, rage even, without DOING anything?

But that is really the key.  Sit with it.  Feel it.  Feel the struggle.  Feel the pain.  Feel the pain.  Feeling the pain is hard.  But fighting it is harder.  Once I allow myself to feel it, I can move through it, move past it, put it back in its place and go forward.  Pain doesn't go away.  It has to be processed, assimilated, welcomed even.  Only then can we learn to move past it, and not give it more space than it deserves.

It is hard to hurt.  But it is harder to avoid hurting.

xo