I am longing for the days from years past.  When a new pair of pink sparkly shoes, or a walk in the rain splashing in puddles, or an episode of Arthur followed by some cuddle time in bed would solve the day's problems.

Longing for the times when the problems, although I knew intuitively that they were not life changing, felt serious.  When as a single parent to an only child, I hadn't had any practice runs, but I still sensed that I was on the right path and things would be OK.  When I knew for certain that the problem we had today, no matter how inept I may have been at coming up with an approach or a solution, would not have long term impact.

Things today feel so important.  Always.  All the time.  My baby is almost 20.  She faces lots of big decisions.  And how she handles each one matters.  Really matters.  And the pink sparkly shoes no longer fix anything.

And then it crosses my mind.  This is how we let go, by not being able to fix it.  it is painful.  as a mama who felt that divorce was the beginning of the end of a good childhood, i  knew this day would come.  when the rubber would meet the road, when the truth would be revealed, when we would all learn that life is messy and uncomfortable and disappointing and seemingly unfair at times.  but i didn't think it would be now, today, like this.